Less than six months…
06 Nov 2010 Leave a Comment
I was going to start a completely new blog about a scared 27 year old woman trying to finish her graduate degree that has 6 months to go but instead I just decided to write here. It’s been a while since I’ve blogged anything. Things are progressing in my life. I’ve started the second to last semester of grad school. Classes are going well but my internship is not. I’ll resolve that this week. But the point is that I have goals and dreams and I felt like I needed to write them down and share. I’m sure nobody will read this but it’s therapeutic for me to get it out.
I’ve never had a “real” job. I’ve had part-time jobs, summer jobs, mall jobs, service oriented jobs, direct service jobs, but I’ve never had a straight up and down 9 to 5 this is what you do every day type of job. I’ve been in school for the last 8 out of 9 years. Because of that and other circumstances it just never worked out for me to have a full-time job.
Now that the time is nearing for me to secure the infamous “real” job I am scared. Scared that I won’t have the skills necessary to get/do the type of job I want. Part of that fear is from my insecurity and part of it is because my internship is sucking. But I made it a goal of mine to secure the type of job I want, that pays what I need by April of 2011. I’m taking it into my own hands. I’m meeting with everybody I have to next week to solve this internship drama. I’m attending workshops and conferences that I find relevant and interesting. I’m researching companies and licensing requirements in Maryland all the time. I need to organize this goal. Start a folder on my desktop and divide it into companies, contacts, licensing, etc. This is not a game.
Honestly, my classwork is not a problem for me. I do it and it’s done. And I do it well. That’s the easy and sometimes even fun part.
So I’m on a mission this week: resolve the sucky internship issue.
On a Love Griot note: I am still madly in love with the love of my life. He and I are growing all the time, but as it’s getting easier it’s getting harder. Long distance really tries it’s best to put the smack down on us. But I won’t let it win! There are a lot of added stressors when you live so far apart. As it gets harder to say goodbye each time we are together, I actually am excited for the time apart because I know I have to work work work to accomplish set A (assignments, internship, graduation) so that set B (new job, moving, new apt, etc.) can be realized. My boyfriend and I are dealing with it. I wouldn’t wish long distance for a year and a half on any couple, but I know it is making us a more grateful and stronger couple with every day.
Will I?
10 Apr 2010 Leave a Comment
Have you ever changed? Have you ever been one way, thought one way, acted one way and then something sparked a change and you were a new way? A new way of thinking, a new way of speaking, a new way of being?
Was the first you any more you than the second?
Was the old Jessica fake and the new Jessica real? or Was the old Jessica real and the new Jessica fake?
Are the decisions we make ours? Are we living for ourselves? For others? Both?
Was the woman you were last year a mistake? Was the woman you were last year a mask?
Were you living? Were you dying?
Why does living feel like a fight to the death?
Is the old me still a part of me waiting to take over against my will?
What is my will? What do I desire?
Who am I?
Will you ever see the true me?
Will I?
New year, Moving Forward
04 Jan 2010 Leave a Comment
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQfc7iQecw8 Background music. B/C right now I’m too cheap to buy a space upgrade. :p
When things are new, no matter what the situation, it can be fun, exciting, thrilling even. But it also can be scary, cause tons of anxiety and you can be full of fear.
Last year sometime near August (I can check my journal for accuracy) I asked God to make me beautiful on the inside. I was really getting into fashion magazines and getting pretty on the outside and God checked me. If the inside isn’t beautiful then what are you really doing?! And because God is a rewarder of those who dilligently seek Him… the past 30 days have been life altering. The end of 2009 revealed what was really inside me and it was not all roses and candy. In fact it was like the Andre 3000 song “Roses” and we all know how that goes.
So now. Whooo! Now, I am changing, living with new content in my character, with how I will be, not just how I will be perceived. Wow. The best woman, loving, open, honest, grateful, the rest of the list is in my journal. :p And with this comes a thrill because I have a fresh start. I have a clean slate. God’s love for me, once again, has given me a 537,939th chance.
But now comes reality. I have to live, with this renewed Jessica on the inside, but everybody sees the same old Jessica on the outside. Yesterday’s sermon spoke to this! How am I supposed to go forward when all people know is the old Jessica? Maybe you’ve been in a similar situation. You stopped _______ and now people are doing all types of things! Embracing you or not. But we have no choice but to move forward. Live my life and just be me.
I’m on a 40+ day journey to show my commitment, honesty and love to the one and only man I love. Things are kind of scary right now but I’m super committed to doing this. So I’m just going to once again, move forward. This decision was made by me and no one else! Boy it feels good for that to be the case! I love him and I’m going to do so. Period!
40 Days of Redemption
21 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
Redemption has many meanings but in this case I mean: atonement for guilt. Men find themselves in the “doghouse” and get tons of advice from men and women on how to get out of it. Rarely do we hear of a woman who is in that dreadful place. Yet and still, here I am. I finally told all, I mean all, 100% and I am in deep, deep doo doo.
#1 is stop with the freakin lying chick! duh. You don’t need to do it, you don’t want to do it. It feels much better when the truth is laid on the table and people can take it for what it is but it’s not a burden, not a worry, cuz it’s just out there! I am so done.
#2 be sincere in your efforts and be a lot more transparent. I’m down with that. When trust has been broken it’s ok to share as your day goes along with a bit more detail than you had before, or whatever else it takes.
#3 both parties have to be willing to work on it. If one party is donezo then it’s a waste of time. But I believe we’re both present. I know he’s at least willing to see what happens. And hopefully my effort is noticed.
#4 Time. Time does not heal all wounds but regaining trust does not happen over night either. It’s certainly going to take time if it happens at all and I realize that.
I can’t take all the credit for these points. I googled and some chick had some of this on a website, lol. But I am serious about taking these first 40 (today is actually day 2/40).
The message in church today helped me: “It took all of that to get this” So hopefully after all the craziness, lies, breakups, “makeups,” confusion and hurt (and let’s not forget some AMAZING times together), we are headed towards something that will all be worth it. We appreciate the good times so much more after rough times appear.
I do not know exactly what I am going to do or exactly how these next 38 days will play themselves out. LIFE will happen. Opportunities will present themselves and I will do what is right, what is honest, honorable and what is faithful, loyal and loving.
Let’s go. Let’s. :p
Honesty.
09 Dec 2009 3 Comments
How many people really are honest. I am one of them who surely has not been. With others, with people I love, and definitely not with myself. I mean. I have been lying to cover up “my business” for years. If I thought someone would judge me or be upset or disappointed, I would conceal the truth, telling half the story. If I thought something was not someone’s business I would tell only what I wanted to. I haven’t told my closest friend so much for fear of feeling the disappointment from her. I mean seriously. I’m making decisions these days that may definitely put a wedge between us. At least I think it will. My stories don’t match up with what really, really happened. And it’s hurting the man I love and I’m just damaging myself.
There is no longer an excuse for not being completely honest. I can justify it by trying to note my past, the way so many of us were raised: “what happens in this house stays in this house,” “keep it in the family.” But at this point in time that has to stop. People mess up all the time. We let others down. I let myself down. We all do. And we feel guilt and shame about it. Depending on the situation, we do all we can to cover it up. For me, my family, my background, my life and experiences with men where I’ve gotten involved physically, or not at all have some shame attached to them. Now with my family (mom and dad) they don’t ask many questions so I don’t have to play that game with them. But I’ll admit, I have lied to them. In my mind it was to spare them the details, etc. But my best friend and the man I love. They both ask tons and tons of questions. Both of them I care about what they think so I have been lying when asked certain questions. Yes. I have been lying. I was a liar. Straight up and down.
Now just the other night I had a real hard conversation about my covering up the truth and lying with the man I love. And I realized and admitted that I had been doing so. And he was very adamant about me always telling him the truth no matter what. Then last night another 3/4 story came out of my mouth. I have been lying to myself so long when it comes to men that i didn’t even get it. I mean the story in question from last night. Why is it so hard for me to say… actually it’s not hard to say, I just didn’t even confront the truth myself!! Now that’s some messed up stuff. We have been attracted to each other and we have flirted but it never went past that. Simple. Those were almost his exact words, what he’s aaying I should just say. Now that I’m writing this out (from my journal) he is absolutely right. How stupid have I been?! Very.
I am not shifting blame anymore. I’m not making up excuses because I am taking full responsibility. When I tell the truth, if I am embarassed, if I lose friends, if I lose people’s respect, gain respect, whatever…I’m going to be honest.
It really does feel good to just tell the truth and hope for the best but be ready to deal with the worst.
I never want to hurt myself of hurt my man the way I have been or any way. I can’t believe I’m 26 and just realizing something so important. I even told him, it’s not fair that you had to deal with me like this. But really, he is the only person who has ever cared enough about me to put a mirror in front of my face, show me the type of woman I had become and stick around even when he knew I was bs-ing. Even when I did and didn’t know it, and when I did know it. He deserves better than what I previously was. I am truly grateful for him.
And the truth certainly has set me free.
Free from trying to live up to people’s expectations.
Free from worrying about what people will think of me.
Free from covering up to avoid hurting people.
And now I can be, no, I AM free to be me. The real me.
new blog, old wisdom
13 Oct 2009 Leave a Comment
The idea for this blog came about as a result of my frustrations with attempting to keep my love life private. Maintaining the image of a lady and also not being perceived as fake or hypocritical had it’s challenges. My whole life I’ve been perceived as a “good girl.” Whether that was true or not, it was how I was perceived. I’ve been in the gray space between a lady who keeps her business private, and the “liberated woman” who unashamedly tells all her business to whomever. I’ve decided since the world thinks they know my business, I will share my life with the world. I find when things come straight from my heart, out of my mouth and to your ears, both of us can be blessed. Maybe my life experiences will bring someone else wisdom, love, solutions, encouragement, or maybe just a little laughter. This is the beginning of something awesome. I promise to be honest, and challenge the way you and I think about love, relationships, God and life.
-A Love Griot
“They overcame by the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony…” Revelation 12:11
